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Introduction
There can be no doubt that there are
those who will read this article
whose lives at this time, even now,
are being, have been or will be
faced with dementia. I speak from
experience because on December 30th
2022 my wife of almost 54
years let the door of earth shut
behind her and entered the opened
door of Heaven. At that moment she
got her full faculties back.
She had suffered from dementia for
15 years and for the last 4 years it
was becoming clear that our days of
being together were getting
shorter. Her memory of me was
fading and at times I asked,
“Why
is she so afflicted with such a
disease, what lessons is the Lord
seeking to teach me?”
I did learn patience for Jean would
ask the same questions multiple
times, and did not know how to use
her spoon. I sat night after night
feeding her like a baby with a
teaspoon and never begrudging her
the time or effort.
I learnt to feel pity for the folks
in the home who were seldom
visited. Some of them were lonely
and knew they had been forgotten.
So
many had in earlier days times of
laughter had been brides and had
children. That was all now long
past for now their days were spent
in a wheelchair gazing out at
nothing. At times I would wheel
them to their rooms, sit with them,
joke with them, and even sing to
them. Then, slowly one would see
the smile come to an old wrinkled
face and again, if only for a
moment, they were young again.
I also learnt that God is very
considerate. Jean’s condition
declined
badly on December 20th and I asked
the Lord to kindly not let her die
at Christmas. In His mercy, she
lived and I
gave
her her last Christmas gift. Then
on December 30th, Jean was released
from this vale of tears. God
answered my
prayer.
I learnt the following matters and
write them, hoping they will help
others who are caregivers.
What a caregiver must do
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Caregivers must never fail
to look after themselves.
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a) |
The caregiver must care for
him or herself physically,
emotionally and most of all
spiritually. The path being
trodden is a rollercoaster
of emotions whether it is
anticipatory grief, guilt,
or failure in recognizing
the symptoms or how one
reacted due to them. Caring
for oneself
is not
selfishness but wisdom. |
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b) |
The caregiver, perhaps
unwittingly, is under a lot
of stress. Life is not as
it was, for apart from the
frustration of dealing with
an individual who is losing
their ability to comprehend,
there is the change of
lifestyle. |
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c) |
When having to place a loved
one in a care home there can
be the feeling of guilt,
failure, and at times anger
from the individual for they
do not understand it is for
their benefit. When I saw
how well off Jean was in the
care home, I saw how kind it
was to have her cared for by
professional help. It
helped greatly. |
There will be multiple times when
“white lies” will need to be told
for the suffering one does not
understand. My wife loved chocolate
which I supplied for her every day.
However, there were times when she
would not take her
medicine
or eat her food then I would say
“chocolate” and she would eat it.
What are some of the symptoms?
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Not being a physician I can
only tell of the symptoms I
saw in my wife. Looking
back I wonder how I could
have missed some of them,
but I had never walked that
path before.
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a) |
Jean began not to know the
front
of a letter from the back or
if it was upside down.
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b) |
In time she began to lose
track of where she was even
though we lived there for 35
years. |
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c) |
She began to lose any idea
of time and was unable to
read the time. |
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d) |
There was short-term memory
loss and Jean thought she
was 40 when in her mid 70’s. |
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e) |
There began to be trouble
communicating what she was
trying to say. |
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f) |
There were
hallucinations. |
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g) |
Massive mood swings,
laughing one second and a
couple of seconds later
shouting. |
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h) |
She would take paper and
tear it up, mesmerized with
the little pieces, or spin
the toilet paper until it
was all over the floor but
would deny she did it or
explain how it happened. |
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i) |
If I tried to reason with
Jean to put on a warm coat
in the fall, she did not
want it. I would then
ask, “Can you
help me to put this on
you?” It allows them their
independence which keeps
their spirit up. It stops
them from thinking, “I’m
useless”. |
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j) |
I learned to speak softly
and slowly for her mind
could not quickly process
that which is being said. |
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k) |
There is no value in
debating or rationalizing
with them. In time I
learned to agree with
whatever she said. |
When they want something they will
find a way to get it. Never
underestimate them.
One of the things learnt is that
they know how to play you. Jean
could hardly get into bed on her own
and I had to help her, yet, when the
health care worker whom she did not
like came, Jean could move like
lightning and get into the bed
pretending to be asleep before I
could get up the stairs. If they
want something they will find a way
to get it. For instance, my mother
wanted out of the home in Belfast
but the doors were locked. However,
she watched when the staff would go
out one of the unlocked sliding
doors in the family room. One day
mother decided she had had enough
and went out for a walk on a chilly
winter day in her nightgown.
Knowing a little bit about what
would I change or still do.
Each day I would comb or brush
Jean’s hair and put
coconut
oil on her face and hands. I would
give her four kisses, one on each
cheek,
one
on her forehead and one on her
lips. It was
our
greeting. The girls in the home
were always very good to me. When
ready to get Jean ready for the
night they would give me time to
kiss her hug her and tell her “I
love you”. Those are things I
relish. I took hundreds of still
pictures and many videos of her,
things which I cherish now. Today
as I watch them, I can see her
cheeky face at times, us talking
together and just enjoying again the
wonderful times we had together.
What did I learn?
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1) |
I learned that service for
God does not depend on
life’s duration. For the
last four years of Jean’s
life, she could do nothing,
not read her bible, not pray
nor sing, nor witness.
When there is deducted the
years before she was saved
and those when she was
afflicted, more than 20
years were zero in her
conscious service to God.
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2) |
I learned that God is in
control of our life’s
duration. In May of 2021,
Jean had a stroke and it was
thought she was soon to die
but the Lord restored her.
Then March/April 2022 she
had another stroke. I
recall, on my knees by her
bed, breaking my heart as
the head nurse told me that
she would soon be leaving
us. She came back from it.
Then on Tuesday, December
2022, I got a call, Jean had
another stroke. A few days
later the Lord released her. |
What was happening in those years?
The door to heaven’s glories began
to open very slowing away back in
2007. Almost imperceptible it began
to open. Then as brain cells began
to die more quickly, the door was
opening wider until at 3:03 am on
Friday 30th December 2022 the
door
swung wide open. Life here on this
sphere ended and Jean heard the
voice of her beloved say, “Rise up
my loved one and come away for the
winter is past and the time of
singing has come”. At that moment
Jean walked with the Lord into that
land of endless bliss. I wonder
what was it like for her to see the
Lord, to see the print of the nails,
and with Him enjoy the fullness of
divine life. Her new life had begun
for we read, “They before the throne
of God, and serve him day and night
in his temple: and he that sitteth
on the throne shall dwell among
them. They shall hunger no more,
neither thirst any more; neither
shall the sunlight on them, nor any
heat. For the Lamb which is in the
midst of the throne shall feed them
and shall lead them unto living
fountains of waters: and God shall
wipe away all tears from their eyes
(Rev. 7:15-17).
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